Friday, 17 June 2011

Padhaai Ki Gaddi!!!

“Mom, when I grow big, I’m gonna be a painter and will paint the whole town’s road red”. I don’t like their color now.” His mom smiled and said, “But your father and I have decided that you will be an engineer”. Confused, he said, “Mom when I grow up what I become is my business right, how can you decide for me?” Surprised by the answer the mother replies, “We know what is better and a painter is no job” and brushed away the conversation. Alas! The mother has no clue that she has already sown the first seed of disagreement about her own son’s future and decision by disagreeing to what he wishes to do. A childish dream may be, but this was whooshed away!

This episode is one of life’s most common and unavoidable situations and conversations that take place in our lives. Almost on a daily basis, the perpetual arguments, fights and disagreements happen when a child longs to do something and on the other side parent’s sketch an altogether different picture for them. Choices are the most misunderstood, misinterpreted and wrongly practiced practice of life. Children, choice and parents don’t really go hand in hand. Do they? Parents don’t understand children and vice versa, is a forever debatable talk.

It’s not that parent’s are always fault. Poor souls, since the time lady fortune lays a child into the cradle of their life, they try to give only the best. The child being the flesh and blood of them becomes the very life of their lives. But, I guess, somewhere down the lane, they tend to forget at ease that their child is an individual. A person in the making, they have a different DNA that is in a never endless work of weaving them with thoughts and emotions that will eventually define them as unique human beings. In short, no matter how similar or different they look in comparison to their parents, they are different. And as one grows, decisions are made for them. Feelings are taught. Right and wrong is being fed into their brains.

The scariest part begins when children go to school. School is a place where a child goes to transform into an educated person. But, in our culture school is a place where children are sent to transform themselves into what their family what them to be. Oh! Common, how many of us disagree to this? Yes, they need to be educated and knowledgeable but beyond that school becomes a ‘grade marathon’. I’ll confess, once upon a time I was a victim of this. In the race of gaining good grades, I never registered anything what I learnt. I was always asked, “How much did she and he get?” When I answer that, I exactly knew the next word coming out… “Why did you get so less….”. I must have been like 8 or 9 years old. How would I know what the meaning was of this big and mean word called ‘COMPETITION’ was? Sometimes I think parents go a little far too much by seeing that their kids only concentrate in their studies. No play or TV and the poor kid’s childhood itself.

Corporal punishment is almost a crime, but what about the physical torture that a child takes in from home and other places. This is definitely a serious issue to address. Driven by the demon of grade/ranks, parents sort such kind of painful methods, which they call discipline to push them learn and win grades. But are they even aware, every time they do this, they mar the soul, the conscience and the self confidence of the child? “Spare the rod and spoil the child”, may be the quote that would run in contrast to what I wrote. Yes, parents do need to discipline the child. Nevertheless, you also need to know when to draw the line as well.

Recently, a national paper stated that the weight of a school child’s bag is weighing somewhere between 5-9 kgs. So heavy is this burden that research has proven children suffer from back problems. Is it worth for a child to carry so many burdens at such young age? This is just one side of the story, other side being, when a child shows interests in subjects which the parent’s consider not opportunistic. The clash between interests and aptitudes is like-‘the clash of the titans’. It’s a well known fact that ‘Science is well preferred than Arts”. Even to this day, engineers and doctors are churned out in lakhs from India. (No wonder there are Indians reigning in the Silicon valley and NASA! Good or bad, I keep guessing!)No offence against them, but, yes kids to get stressed and spanked when it comes to science and mathematics. There are versions of stories where parents send their kids to more than one tutorial class, one after the other and by the time the kid return home they crash. There is no break in between; all they do is study and sleep. What a life? No wonder they get stressed and develop psychological issues at an early stage.

It’s both saddening and infuriating to know that the pressure of performing well reaches such unimaginable peaks that kids and youngsters feel ‘it’s enough so I’ll give up’ and take up extreme steps like medicines and drugs. Apparently, there are medications to beat exam stress and anxiety. Some of them are given with the knowledge of the parents. Suicide attempt is the extreme of all. Our city is not new to headlines describing students taking their lives, as they cannot handle the stress from family and institution. When caught in such a situation, where do they go? When the pressure comes from both the ends, whom do they lean to? So what do the family turn into, friend or foe? These words may sound like families are to blame-Yes and No! Yes, for all the reasons that obvious. No, because even each of you reading this is helpless to competition ruling this world and time is also the biggest villain here.

Take a second and think, you’re doings as a parent, is it right and worth it? You are raising a person and only hoping to provide the best. Quite understandable and agreeable, but we all must remember that as you and I have choices to make, likes and dislike, even children are a mould of all these attributes. Yes, when they are young, they don’t know what is good for them, what they are good at or what are their strengths and weaknesses. It is for the parents to observe, understand and realize what and who they are. From a child’s mouth, have mercy and do not compare. That’s the worst enemy for every kid’s morale. Every single time you do that, you are literally ripping their confidence and self esteem, tearing and breaking them into a zillion pieces. Sadly, the heart break goes unheard and unseen.

Understand us, us kids! Yes, there needs to be a change in the education system, the mentality of parents. From one end the world looks like a child’s greatest ‘hell to be’ but at the same time, with the advancement of various fields and disciplines the rainbow of opportunity has never looked so colorful and vibrant. We have sportsmen, media houses, counselors, financial experts, education professionals, directors, economists and a host of new professions opening up. Gone are the days when a child had only few options and had to choose between an engineer or doctor or accountant. Times have changed.

People! Open your eyes and see! This is the best times we are living in. It is your world and it is their world as well. So shun the conventional though and let a revolution take place in your mind. We all live in the 21st century where we are being taught to be welcoming and broad minded. Kids are ten times smarter than their parents. They are all born into a technology and online era. How can you then judge and decide for them with your thought age?

It definitely is a question to be asked. And is there a solution to how parents behave on what their kids want? Yes. And it’s for each parent to comprehend and act. An ancient saying goes that we are all born unique. We may be similar but we are not the same. Parent’s gasp when children compare them to their friend’s parents on various factors. And this really disturbs the parents. On a similar basis, this is what happens when parents demand and push children. Things go from bad to worse when parents force them to choose a professional stream against their likes. A career choice is a huge decision and if one is not content with it, it will be one of the biggest mistakes of their lives. Would you want your child live with such a mistake? And probably blame you for all that happened. As yourself, is all this worth at all?

The ‘Fall in and Fall Out’ of Love

It always looks better, the grass on the other side. Not just the grass, also the neighbor's wife/husband, your friend's sports car, your boss's apartment, your colleague's job and how ever many examples you want to hear. Most of us are never entirely satisfied with what we have. We think that all the above examples would be a better way to live our lives.

So, how many agree to disagree on this? Well, it’s a much known fact that we always love the other side. Somehow the love of this has shifted its base to even relationships. And Extra Marital Affairs (EMA) is one such case. Episodes of many couples breaking up and uniting with other partners have become something common to our ears. In the previous years, where the mention of such an incident was a sin to the ears, forget about the saying tongue, but does not mean they never existed in those days. My guess is from every Raja to Rancho, they all have had extra marital affairs. If you don’t believe me, at least believe our movies that have one : many heroines. Movies truly depict the times of our ages. So, is it an acceptable thing or is it a matter of prestige or is it just for the pure fun.

Looking from a very normal lay man’s point of view, why would any person what to have an extra marital relationship. Well, the answers are pretty interesting. Some of them claim that relationships are not physically made. It is a process when marinated with time gives birth to a child called ‘relationship’. So when it happens no one knows. So without your knowledge you will ‘fall in love’ with that person and after a while will realize what situation you are in.

A second reason is more of a ‘blame game’. This to a certain extent could be true when one partner is too involved in other matters and does not give time and attention to their family matters. In this generation the other thing is usually one’s work/profession life. Blame it on the work or the modern lingo called ‘work pressure’, that we get so involved that for this ‘paapi pet’ we let go our precious time and that ‘loving love’. So, for the love of love, we give away love itself. But, is it worth at all, when we realize that all that we have struggled to make both the ends meet, we have lost the ‘heart of our life’. Many of us do not realize the importance of the people who loves us. It pinches us only when we actually lose them all. More adverse being most of us do not realize that we have lost them and we only gaze as to what exactly has happened to the both of you’ll!

Then when it suddenly hits you, you point figures to your partner with the most understated outrageous blame, “How could you do this to me?” and the answer should be, “Why not”. Jolted! Well obvious, you may have been burning midnight oil, travelling across the globe, meeting deadlines, but my friend you have got your priorities all wrong. Yes, we want that job, that gives us the comfort, the standard and luxury, but can it compare to the precious value of your love. So when your partner finds companionship and love in someone else’s arms, he/she is just doing what you have done-being engaged to something else. Therefore the next time you find your partner having an EMA, build a good alibi for yourself to counter the reasons of your partner’s love life.

A major chunk of EMA cases fall under the above category, however, there are a few exceptional cases, where EMA are undertaken for a ‘kick’ something similar to ‘shop lifting’. I am being told that, doing such an adventurous thing gives one a kick or a high. May be its true, some of us agree and the rest deny. But the fact is- yes, it does exist and is treated as a very normal talk as a part of our daily conversation. Well, it is not fair to blame the ‘kalyug’ for this, but you can say that it definitely is taking place in full swing! Be it the ‘baby bloomers’ of marriages to the ones who are veterans, all looking for something new and different. This somehow makes the word ‘love and relationship’ sound like a commodity. We are so used of this ‘mall culture’ that provides us with this ingredient called variety that we have started viewing our lives through these lens and now we search for ‘variety’ in our relationships. And when we are welcomed into the doors of humdrum every day, anything unusual catches our eyes. We hear a lot of EMA’s happening at one’s work place. The reason being we work half of week lives here with people at very close counters. And now when travelling with team members becomes a mandatory option, a certain level of trust and comfort is built. During the course of time one never knows, how one ‘falls out and falls in love’. Such is the result of emotional involvement. (Such incidents would make amazing serial plots, so much for an ‘emotional atayachaar’-all in the name of pyaar.

Sometimes relationships like this goes to the next level where they almost bear their souls to each other. Trust when translated to attraction and desire, often results in a distasteful and uncomfortable relationship. And the time and money wasted on the very thought of this act is excruciating nevertheless exciting. So, is this right? I’m not quite sure of the answer. And again, if it’s not right, then the question of personal choice arises. “Who am I to judge anyone”?

Competition has never got better and bitter in this 21st century. We see and hear versions of how projects are won. Movies and serials are the best mirrors of this truth. Business has got bigger and larger and because of this many ground rules are made and broken. Like in reel, even in real there are people who have EMA’s to win that project or that promotion. Like the movie ‘Indecent Proposal’, where a wealthy man offers a young man’s wife to spend a night for a million dollars. Not getting into the details of that movie, but such is the scenario of love and life these days. ‘Money Matters’, she talks and is being talked about everyday and every moment. Oh! It sounds that, we have sold our soul to the devil in exchange for a luxurious life. But, again that age old question – “Is it all worth and if at all it is, what is a relationships true worth’.

Bah! Life, love and relationship sounds complicated. But, actually is it. Many of us are tired of our partners and hence we consciously or unconsciously look out at that greener pastures. The reality is that it can be uncomplicated. You and I are a product of evolution and we constantly change so it’s difficult to pin point saying a definite standard to a successful living. We change almost every day, hence more than living, we need to discover one another. I’m not writing here a ‘gyaan session’ on what and how to avoid an EMA, all I’m telling is, in comparison to your partner whom you have married to, the other one may not be really true. I sound old fashion, don’t I?

The truth is yes, we can work relationships, and we can kick away the tempting snake and dedicate our lives to our partners who have dedicated their lives. EMA may be exciting and give us that much wanted kick and break, but at the end of the day, you will be chewed royally into the jaws of guilt and from there, there is no escape. Since the time man existed, his/her temptations have always over ruled. Yet there are great stories that have encountered and faced such events. Not sounding so melodramatic, I don’t have to give you any tips. But yes stay away from the EMA. The market has many books and stories that talk in volumes of what love is and how to retain and creatively revive and resurrect your love. But there is no other better portion of love’ that the one you can use churned out of your love and experience. So burn that flame of love, pour in the oil of eternal and pure truthfulness and you will be surprised to notice how the lamp of your marital life will never wear out. And no matter how many ever storms of EMA blow at this relationship, your flame of love for one another will still light. True light of love will shine forever and ever. There is no one who deserves better other than you and your partner. Remember!


This has always been a matter of question, does age actually matter? Well, be it in professional or personal life. There is a famous saying, “Never ask a woman her age or man his salary”. Somehow these words are coming to a zilch, with the way beauty and economy is booming. What we don’t realize is that these developments have actually created ripples in an unimaginable area- the love life.

“Bhabhij, shaadi kay baad pyaar hojayega, aur pyaar main kyaa age bar?” This is one of the most common heard lines used by every marriage alliance agent. Well, this is generally one of the most common discussions in an arranged marriage. In love marriages, scenes can get a little bizarre, with guys falling in love with older women and women falling for young men. Experts, say that these things happen due to certain and uncertain psychological and emotional factors, which has not yet been completely explained. In other words no one knows why we tend to choose people who are older or younger to us.

Nevertheless, age definitely plays a major part when it comes to a relationship. Be it marriage or a non marriage one. A typical Indian’s understanding of a partner would be a man who is at least 3 years older to her or younger than him. The experts say that men mature late and women the opposite and hence there is a definite need of a certain age gap. And hence we see a lot of our celebrities falling in and out of relationships barring age.

So what is that thing that actually interest people to live and love them younger or older than themselves? Is it the father or mother like image or is it the puppy love or to be forever young feeling? Take for example Hollywood ex couple Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Both their present partners are young. Or even take our very own Saif and Kareena; there is more than a 10 years difference. Is it just love or attraction or infatuation? You may ask me, aren’t grown up’s grown out of attraction and infatuation. Not necessarily! As a matter of fact, they never grow out of it. Attraction will remain till one goes to the grave and when it is pursued is what results in an affair.

Coming back to age bar, if we ask a young girl, how she wants her man to be, she’d out rightly reply saying that she’d love someone who is like her dad. And it goes the same way for guys as well. Psychology would term such a situation as Oedipus and Electra complex, where every child feels quite strongly for their mother and father respectively. Hence every man loves to see his mother and a woman her dad in her man. It’s a well understood fact that girl’s fall and have crushes for older men someone like a Richard Gere or a George Clooney. It’s just not their white pepper hair look, even the caring and I’m you’ knight in a shining armor feeling’ that a girl derives from a man way older to her. It’s another fact that, men become mellowed down and understanding as years pass by not missing the patient factor. So be it the lady tantrums or even her shopping or her raving mood swings, her handsome old man will always understand her. This cuts a very ‘mills and boons’ image of the hero who rescues the ‘always in trouble, lady damsel’.

Well, you may not agree to me, this is one of the most common upcoming facts as to why girls fall in love with let me put it, ‘wiser men’. And what about women falling in love with younger me-it’s all about feeling and living young. And for the young men dating older women, it’s all about gaining mother’s mantle of love. They may deny it, but this definitely is one of the many facts. But still, when asked people, they would blame it all on ‘cupid’ saying love is blind and you’d never know when and where , what could happen. May be true may be not. The 21st century is translating the word of love into the words of money and power. Hence we see people of different businesses getting together, despite of that fact that they may be just over the eligible age.

Keeping all these facts aside, let’s seriously look as to whether age difference does impact life. The answer is yes. Given the fact that men mature later than woman, the older the man is, the better it is for a relationship. Truth is he begins to understand relationships better and so also responsibilities. It’s a big gamble to say whether his tastes would turn to habits, like from a social drinking person to a complete drunkard or it may be with jobs as well. But the other part of it is that when, they end up getting married to really young women, they tend to become their baby sitters more than their partners.

Men and Women dream of love, romance, and sex when they think of marriage or even a great party, wedding march, sangeet and the rest. But what they really don’t get is that they are getting confused between a wedding and a marriage. Therefore, it really is becomes a quintessential thing to maintain a difference between partners. Well, on the other side, this is quite a debatable topic as age not necessarily transforms a person mature.

Experiences in life do play a very important role in shaping the personality and his/her view point of life. This is when the question rises, whether partners should have an age difference. So what could be the possible solution? None, I’m guessing. Marriage to some is an institution, for others it’s just a relationship to have an extended family and for the rest in can be truly a life worth living with a partner who is fortunate to suffice 3 out 5 of their priorities. As complex is the very decision making of a partner, so complex is the very relationship between couples.

Now with gay men and women coming out of the box and living a life of their own, does the matter of age exist here as well. I’m not quite sure, as like every relationship, even they build the foundation of their deal on love. Yes, agreed love is complex, yet it needs two people to work it out. So, for a successful relationship what is important, is the age bar, is it the caste, is it the money, is it the status, is the family background, is it the physical quotient or is it love?

My thinking is a little of all the above and more of the last one. But again a successful relationship does not really mean a bed of roses. Be it in a relationship where there is a reasonable age difference, one partner is always on the receiving end and when this becomes too much, that’s when we get to compromise to a greater end, resulting in the loss of the very essence of love and life.

Therefore, the safest and wiser way to build a relationship is to consider and analyze truly who and what you are and what you need. To know you, is to love yourself and there is no better judge than you. For some of us age doesn’t matter, but for most of us, age is definitely a factor or rather a mental satisfaction. It sounds like a permutation and combination equation. Nevertheless, this is what it takes to have a great relationship. So enjoy when your love when you live and enjoy life when in love.

The catch here is to be rational and emotional. Now what takes the upper hand varies from person to person. Nothing in this world comes easy or for free. Very soon we will be paying for the air we breathe, until then safeguard your life and love but making the right choice. Again, what is right choice? That is something I cannot answer for you.

Friday, 25 March 2011

why' to the 'how'

My mind is blank,
yet the yearning to pen down what I feel,
seems so urgent, that I do not know,
what to write, neither do I know 'why' to the 'how' I feel.

Words, no right words, crosses my mind,
To express the way I feel for and about, you,
'coz, you have changed my world,
the day and night, from the hour to second.

I have changed, yes, I have,
I feel different, so, much, that I don't know me anymore.
So much for the rhyme and reason, being love,
Love, is it love, I question?

I see you, yet, have to see you?
I feel you, yet, have I to feel you?
I love you, yet, do I love you more, than,
than the word, love, love itself, do I?

Wednesday, 23 March 2011

The musing of an aching heart

Strange, stranger and strangest are the ways of the heart! All of us know it but few understand this. It amuses me as to how, this four valve thing reacts, acts and pro acts to the various sense of life's rhythm. It makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me dream and is the result of every desire as to what I need.

It has the solution of every problem, as well as poses a problem to every possible solution. The heart-is the element of every contradictory emotion. It is the only element of our system that knows how to 'love to hate' and 'hate to late'. It lives two lives at one go. It is as strong as the rock of Gibraltar and as fragile as the glass.

It makes and breaks and again breaks and creates. It brings to mind the image that it has in the 21st century-a package wrapped up with band aid, yet has a reindeer red nose and that 'smiley smile. It is the only living thing that has the ability to hurt and get hurt. This four valve-fist size breed longs to love and be loved. As simple as it looks, it gets into complications and complexity, just as the fire to a moth.

It is the reason for many blood shed and the reason of every breathing cell. The heart is the inspiration of every painter's muse, every poets verse, every sculptors mould and every director's story. The heart is the story of every story as well as the muse to itself. Feelings, what can I say, romance, intimacy, intensity, envy, jealousy and the high of doing the wrong of every right.

It is the beat behind every pulse, yet the same kills it. But there is one thing that remains-the pain. Pain is its language. Pain is how its best described.

Tuesday, 22 March 2011

When you answer my silence

It burns my heart deep within,
When you answer my silence,
My fingers tremble,
as the pain seeps in.

I'm shaking with disbelief,
My cheeks grow hot and red,
My palms sweat as I feel stripped and naked,
How much more will you read me through your words,

Enough is enough,
I can't take it anymore,
My eyes fill with tears as I empty all through the night.
But by morning it fills the cup of my day again.

Your reply in verses and lines,
It makes me wonder whether we are or otherwise,
The bridge that time has created between us,
What should I do, to forever surpass.

Wednesday, 16 March 2011

I hope against the hopeless

It doesn't go beyond this,
The wait along the road of both pain and loss.
I'm afraid I have forgotten your voice,
I admit it is not the result of a choice.

Until yesterday I felt your presence
But now this moment, I fear and listen to dead silence
I close my eyes to see you face,
That beautiful smile and endless grace, but,

All I see is darkness,
My heart hits the gut of emtiness,
It breaks my heart and soul,
Wondering whether I have lost you at all.

Time, I hear her say, move on, love,
But I fight and disagree to believe it at all.
No, I say and scream in silence,
Not accepting that I have no more of your touch and guidance.

I wish not that this happened,
I wish not that you ever left.
I hope against the hopeless.
Knowing the yearning for you to come back is worthless.