PYAAR KAA AGE BAR

This has always been a matter of question, does age actually matter? Well, be it in professional or personal life. There is a famous saying, “Never ask a woman her age or man his salary”. Somehow these words are coming to a zilch, with the way beauty and economy is booming. What we don’t realize is that these developments have actually created ripples in an unimaginable area- the love life.

“Bhabhij, shaadi kay baad pyaar hojayega, aur pyaar main kyaa age bar?” This is one of the most common heard lines used by every marriage alliance agent. Well, this is generally one of the most common discussions in an arranged marriage. In love marriages, scenes can get a little bizarre, with guys falling in love with older women and women falling for young men. Experts, say that these things happen due to certain and uncertain psychological and emotional factors, which has not yet been completely explained. In other words no one knows why we tend to choose people who are older or younger to us.

Nevertheless, age definitely plays a major part when it comes to a relationship. Be it marriage or a non marriage one. A typical Indian’s understanding of a partner would be a man who is at least 3 years older to her or younger than him. The experts say that men mature late and women the opposite and hence there is a definite need of a certain age gap. And hence we see a lot of our celebrities falling in and out of relationships barring age.

So what is that thing that actually interest people to live and love them younger or older than themselves? Is it the father or mother like image or is it the puppy love or to be forever young feeling? Take for example Hollywood ex couple Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. Both their present partners are young. Or even take our very own Saif and Kareena; there is more than a 10 years difference. Is it just love or attraction or infatuation? You may ask me, aren’t grown up’s grown out of attraction and infatuation. Not necessarily! As a matter of fact, they never grow out of it. Attraction will remain till one goes to the grave and when it is pursued is what results in an affair.

Coming back to age bar, if we ask a young girl, how she wants her man to be, she’d out rightly reply saying that she’d love someone who is like her dad. And it goes the same way for guys as well. Psychology would term such a situation as Oedipus and Electra complex, where every child feels quite strongly for their mother and father respectively. Hence every man loves to see his mother and a woman her dad in her man. It’s a well understood fact that girl’s fall and have crushes for older men someone like a Richard Gere or a George Clooney. It’s just not their white pepper hair look, even the caring and I’m you’ knight in a shining armor feeling’ that a girl derives from a man way older to her. It’s another fact that, men become mellowed down and understanding as years pass by not missing the patient factor. So be it the lady tantrums or even her shopping or her raving mood swings, her handsome old man will always understand her. This cuts a very ‘mills and boons’ image of the hero who rescues the ‘always in trouble, lady damsel’.

Well, you may not agree to me, this is one of the most common upcoming facts as to why girls fall in love with let me put it, ‘wiser men’. And what about women falling in love with younger me-it’s all about feeling and living young. And for the young men dating older women, it’s all about gaining mother’s mantle of love. They may deny it, but this definitely is one of the many facts. But still, when asked people, they would blame it all on ‘cupid’ saying love is blind and you’d never know when and where , what could happen. May be true may be not. The 21^st century is translating the word of love into the words of money and power. Hence we see people of different businesses getting together, despite of that fact that they may be just over the eligible age.

Keeping all these facts aside, let’s seriously look as to whether age difference does impact life. The answer is yes. Given the fact that men mature later than woman, the older the man is, the better it is for a relationship. Truth is he begins to understand relationships better and so also responsibilities. It’s a big gamble to say whether his tastes would turn to habits, like from a social drinking person to a complete drunkard or it may be with jobs as well. But the other part of it is that when, they end up getting married to really young women, they tend to become their baby sitters more than their partners.

Men and Women dream of love, romance, and sex when they think of marriage or even a great party, wedding march, sangeet and the rest. But what they really don’t get is that they are getting confused between a wedding and a marriage. Therefore, it really is becomes a quintessential thing to maintain a difference between partners. Well, on the other side, this is quite a debatable topic as age not necessarily transforms a person mature.

Experiences in life do play a very important role in shaping the personality and his/her view point of life. This is when the question rises, whether partners should have an age difference. So what could be the possible solution? None, I’m guessing. Marriage to some is an institution, for others it’s just a relationship to have an extended family and for the rest in can be truly a life worth living with a partner who is fortunate to suffice 3 out 5 of their priorities. As complex is the very decision making of a partner, so complex is the very relationship between couples.

Now with gay men and women coming out of the box and living a life of their own, does the matter of age exist here as well. I’m not quite sure, as like every relationship, even they build the foundation of their deal on love. Yes, agreed love is complex, yet it needs two people to work it out. So, for a successful relationship what is important, is the age bar, is it the caste, is it the money, is it the status, is the family background, is it the physical quotient or is it love?

My thinking is a little of all the above and more of the last one. But again a successful relationship does not really mean a bed of roses. Be it in a relationship where there is a reasonable age difference, one partner is always on the receiving end and when this becomes too much, that’s when we get to compromise to a greater end, resulting in the loss of the very essence of love and life.

Therefore, the safest and wiser way to build a relationship is to consider and analyze truly who and what you are and what you need. To know you, is to love yourself and there is no better judge than you. For some of us age doesn’t matter, but for most of us, age is definitely a factor or rather a mental satisfaction. It sounds like a permutation and combination equation. Nevertheless, this is what it takes to have a great relationship. So enjoy when your love when you live and enjoy life when in love.

The catch here is to be rational and emotional. Now what takes the upper hand varies from person to person. Nothing in this world comes easy or for free. Very soon we will be paying for the air we breathe, until then safeguard your life and love but making the right choice. Again, what is right choice? That is something I cannot answer for you.

why' to the 'how'

My mind is blank,

yet the yearning to pen down what I feel,

seems so urgent, that I do not know,

what to write, neither do I know 'why' to the 'how' I feel.

Words, no right words, crosses my mind,

To express the way I feel for and about, you,

'coz, you have changed my world,

the day and night, from the hour to second.

I have changed, yes, I have,

I feel different, so, much, that I don't know me anymore.

So much for the rhyme and reason, being love,

Love, is it love, I question?

I see you, yet, have to see you?

I feel you, yet, have I to feel you?

I love you, yet, do I love you more, than,

than the word, love, love itself, do I?

The musing of an aching heart

Strange, stranger and strangest are the ways of the heart! All of us know it but few understand this. It amuses me as to how, this four valve thing reacts, acts and pro acts to the various sense of life's rhythm. It makes me laugh, makes me cry, makes me dream and is the result of every desire as to what I need.

It has the solution of every problem, as well as poses a problem to every possible solution. The heart-is the element of every contradictory emotion. It is the only element of our system that knows how to 'love to hate' and 'hate to late'. It lives two lives at one go. It is as strong as the rock of Gibraltar and as fragile as the glass.

It makes and breaks and again breaks and creates. It brings to mind the image that it has in the 21st century-a package wrapped up with band aid, yet has a reindeer red nose and that 'smiley smile. It is the only living thing that has the ability to hurt and get hurt. This four valve-fist size breed longs to love and be loved. As simple as it looks, it gets into complications and complexity, just as the fire to a moth.

It is the reason for many blood shed and the reason of every breathing cell. The heart is the inspiration of every painter's muse, every poets verse, every sculptors mould and every director's story. The heart is the story of every story as well as the muse to itself. Feelings, what can I say, romance, intimacy, intensity, envy, jealousy and the high of doing the wrong of every right.

It is the beat behind every pulse, yet the same kills it. But there is one thing that remains-the pain. Pain is its language. Pain is how its best described.

When you answer my silence

It burns my heart deep within,
When you answer my silence,
My fingers tremble,
as the pain seeps in.

I'm shaking with disbelief,
My cheeks grow hot and red,
My palms sweat as I feel stripped and naked,
How much more will you read me through your words,

Enough is enough,
I can't take it anymore,
My eyes fill with tears as I empty all through the night.
But by morning it fills the cup of my day again.

Your reply in verses and lines,
It makes me wonder whether we are or otherwise,
The bridge that time has created between us,
What should I do, to forever surpass.

I hope against the hopeless

It doesn't go beyond this,
The wait along the road of both pain and loss.
I'm afraid I have forgotten your voice,
I admit it is not the result of a choice.

Until yesterday I felt your presence
But now this moment, I fear and listen to dead silence
I close my eyes to see you face,
That beautiful smile and endless grace, but,

All I see is darkness,
My heart hits the gut of emtiness,
It breaks my heart and soul,
Wondering whether I have lost you at all.

Time, I hear her say, move on, love,
But I fight and disagree to believe it at all.
No, I say and scream in silence,
Not accepting that I have no more of your touch and guidance.

I wish not that this happened,
I wish not that you ever left.
I hope against the hopeless.
Knowing the yearning for you to come back is worthless.

Oh! Hyderabad, why do you still ‘Hyd’?

So, what’s the gender of God again? Male or female! And again if so like we believe, God is love…. So what gender is love again? If we are not quite sure of the above two, the obvious next question is why opposites should always and must attract, by law (Who made the law?). And why can’t we have a ‘not opposite partner to love and make love’?

Sounds complicated? Well, the way the world has coined love and its relationships come under the same umbrella. We are all aware of the ultimate truth that we all possess unique DNA and that our feelings, emotions and understandings vary according to this design. Still we fail to accept few universal realities, one being that, there are people living in this world who for love’s sake (Damn the blind cupid) fall in love with people of the same sex.

India, as a country is not new to this concept. Dig a little into history and you will be only taken by surprise that kings and queens had ‘keep’ majority being of the same sexual category. So, why this hue and cry about the existence of lesbian or gay individuals on this phase of the earth? Genetic is a funny thing, but people are capable of feeling masculine or feminine at the same time. Well, when I mention people, it includes you and me as well. In every one of us there exists masculine and feminine sexuality. When one dominates the other, we behave differently. That’s when a girl tends to be tom boyish and guys shy like a lady. And the other reason being that they choose to like people of the same sex, it may become the outcome of some incident that has resulted in a rather bad taste during the whole episode.
Still in spite of this awareness, they are mocked, rejected and are ridiculed. With all greatness and pride I have of the city I live, still Hyderabad, ‘Hyd’s’ away. The city we live proclaims itself to be tolerant and is welcoming with open alms the metrosexual man and the fashionable ‘diva’ women. It’s great the way the country, the state and city, the families have changed their thought about bonding relationships outside the community. A long way has come, but why do we hesitate to accept the other person’s choice.

I believe every person has rights, various rights, but what I don’t agree is that we have the right to point our fingers, judge and defy any person for any matter. For a minute I want you to just take a look at yourself-who are you? What are you? What has been made out of you? Just that you have everything normal does not give you and me the reason to judge anybody. Leave alone judgments, some of our decisions, choice in lives, if only it comes out of our respective closets may actually stink and be so shallow like a decaying skeleton. Did these words hurt you? When anybody questions our character, our thoughts, actions and decisions, we fight back with every ounce of life and energy in us.

Shift your thought to these guys, who also live and love like us, how much more do you think it would hurt? I’m not rounding up sympathy here. Get a little empathetic here! They already have quite a many challenges to face. To accept the fact who they are! At least some of them have the guts to face the fact and accept the fact what their identity is all about. Some of us ‘perfect being’ are living in a constant illusion of a life that we are blinded by all the realities of our being. Their constant challenge of finding a ‘true love’! Tell me how different is this endless search from them? Love is all what we need and love is all what we have and can give. Doesn’t half of the world just fight for this? Even they do, which is perfectly normal. Another reason that explains we are all equal.
Every individual’s ardent desire is to live a life with ‘the person they love’. So since when did ‘love this person’ become gender based? Imagine if the rule that every man has to marry the opposite was never a rule at all, do you think the question of, “I’m straight or I’m not”, would even exist? I don’t really think. Rules, traditions and society who created them and defined the laws for them? We-the people, and as time changes, all the above factors evolve. You will be surprised we are all the results of evolution and will forever be. Rewind a decade back and look into you standard of being and compare it with the present. Haven’t you evolved materialistically, financially and even in style and thought? You have evolved from letter to emails and so and so forth. You have evolved into spreading your boundaries and opening the doors to welcome a new tradition and language into your threshold, then why not this? Don’t you think it is time to really look at that wall, we have all built against people who have decided to live the way they want, tumble down. It’s a risk! Tell me the relationship you and I live, what levels of risk do we face, almost similar? Divorce and live-in relationship are becoming the norm of the day, what levels of risk are we facing here? How do we react to these questions?

Love has no language, emotion has no tradition, expression has no physical outline. Then why is that we define people and their choices of life in boxes and right and wrong.

Let’s not put a fight against them. Let’s not shut them out from our lives and the society. Let us find a way of letting them in, by accepting them. If we push and force them to get into a ‘normal relationship’, we will be taking part in a crime. Yes! We will be murdering their root of life by their throat into forcing them into an unwanted relationship against the will and wish of people. And if you point out saying, this is not natural, I’d like to pose a question, is being natural, being right? Or what is the definition of being natural? Natural means to be original’ you and I are original as there is none like you and me. And if we are natural and original why do we again compare or analyze what and who is right?
Again I’ll boil down to another question. Is happiness more important than tradition? All I have known is we celebrate traditions and it’s an just an extension of getting together and enjoying moments beautiful and full of love with your near and dear one’s. Imagine if we could just open up and be surrounded by pure love and people in love, we will all live in peace. We are in the 21st century, every rule we are breaking and creating, why not this. Why not just this! Accept them, allow them to breathe, walk and talk with us.

Let them enjoy the beauty of this life, live the rhythm of everyday and sway in the music of its moment. They have hearts and they have the heart to love, cherish and live. I would love to quote "Love looks not with the eyes but with the mind "- a quote of Shakespeare’s famous , A Midsummer Night's Dream . Of all the war’s we have faced and fought, this indeed is a war of acceptance from a blindness will either makes all of us or break all us in the coming days. You may think I must me living in an illusion and a dreamer but friends, this is the truth I have accepted them to be normal people like you and me. My heart goes out to them and I really hope they find their freedom and in the due course find your meaning and face to face reality of who and what you are.

Status: Complicated or Open- Relationship????

It was about the last week of December '09, I was online on one of the social networking sites and one of my friend's status messages caught my eye. It said, “Dear God, This year my resolution is to have a sustained, quantitative and qualitative relationship, not more that 91 days and I wish to retain my status as 'Its Complicated". Now you may think, it's an absurd status to mention, but the truth is that we live in a world, where we are known far and well by the status we portray. It so happens that these are just not mere words. Most of the social networking sites design their relationship options in ways like," Its Complicated", "Its open relationship" and the usual one's like, "Engaged", "Committed" etc. This has become a rather important issue here-mentioning one's relationship status. I'm quite sure 9 out of 10 people, check the relationship status first, when they receive or browse a friend request or list. It's funny, why do we do this!

In the age of "Cheek to Cheek Kiss", relationships have also taken the same place. We brush up with this one person, we try to hang up with them, when we think it’s not’ convenient'(I love to detest this word), we move on. One of the famous brands has its tag line, as 'move on man'. Oh! Yes, they say, if you want to know the pulse of the youth, just watch the ads. They speak it all. So coming back to the 'relationship' word which is a world in itself, mean so different to each one of us. The reason being, we are social animals and we are never content with what and whom we have! As simple as that!

Asked my friend who was in 5 relationships, out of which she broke up with 3 guys, had a 'somewhat enjoyable live-in relationship' and the guy broke up with her in the next 2 relationships. Asked her the reason behind this adventurous life, her answer to me was, "I can't imagine of staying with a guy for too long, I need change and I love change". After a he get's boring and his deed gets boring and begins taking ownership of me and my things and I can't take that! Well, that's when I "switch". I said in my head." You SWITCH! What's this and turn on and off game?" Apparently yes, there are people who will swear that some of them get into a relationship, just for all the turn on's and once when the flame dies, it's a turn off.
Do I sound very unrealistic and cold when I mention stuff like this? But, this is exactly the most of us are turning out to live. I recall a certain movie scene where partners celebrate their break up. So, the friends go around thinking what to wish them. "Happy Break Up or All the Best". The question here is not “why is this happening”; the question is 'for what' this is happening. We love to live and live to love, so much so that our life is slowly turning out to be a collection of various paraphernalia's, even our 'loved ones' are being accommodated amongst commodities.
The element of love boils down to how much we can give and how much we more we can take from the other, someone quoted. But, I bet they would not have ever though that this degree would vary in terms of monetary and other benefits when some people 'in love' commit to even before they get married. So much for love, is it for the cause of love or money, I wonder. But again, why have we turned out to be like this? It's the moment of truth, let's accept, our pride, independence, financial stability have all become the equivalent or i must say have begun complementing us.
There are people who say, I would rather be in a live-in relationship, experience and experiment, then decide. It's a risk man! Yes, plunging into a relationship is a risk, but there is only one thing I can think of when it comes to live-in relationship that one wants to experience (You know what exactly, I am talking about!). It's not all that, you may argue, but common, let's face facts that is the truth. And please, don't tell me the girl gets ditched here. I somehow feel sad for the guy’s. Every time there is a break up-the blame arrow inevitably points out at the men. Common, have a heart. 'Coz even they too have a heart! Or do they not!
Now the heart of the relationship is the heart itself. We try hard not to give in, but alas! We do at last. A tricky thing I must say, but wonder how does this heart get to love multiple people at the same time upholding multiple relationships. This is where, I begin to ponder, how an affair comes into scene? Or how is anyone and everyone ok with two wives or two husbands (never heard of, believe me, this exists, believe me!).This too is a complicated relationship. I mean, how does a person, have the same kind of relationship with two people? That, my friend, is true talent or like they say multi-loving and loving. Quite a task! Imagine the risk that person takes. Live a life where the other person is not aware of the other. It's complicated or a piece of cake, I'm not sure!

If I have to think of the way God created man, how must have he woven the web of relationships. It really is a web. Take a look around you, you share relationships with your family, friends and professional colleagues and yet, we always end up into a knot when it comes to people whom we love the most-our girl, our guy, husband or wife. In relationship with the above, why do we hate to love and love to hate them? Guess, we can never get the right answer to this question.

In today's generation, love, relationships can be brought down to three facts- a) money b) status c) relationship status. The first thing that comes across your mind even before you date the other is how cool is he/she? And How much can they spend? It's the fact. Some of us revel on it! Yes, you need the money and the amount of cool and hot factor, to be recognised. Getting a hot chick, as a girlfriend, the hotter she looks, the more famous you become or all that matters is your surname and when egos hit-it becomes a dirty breaking news. And who exactly wants to know it-there are a load of them.

It's surprising how the society accepts and rejects such social being. I always am appalled by the flexibility of it. On one side they say no to inter caste relationships and on the other hand they are perfectly ok about it. It's such confusion, that I myself think, that the whole society is incoherent. There are famous people and they are people who become famous through the relationships, they tag along.
The way the other’s love and live may not matter to you. But, guess what, it inevitably will influence you. Coz, we all live and dwell in a society, where we meet and match. We look at people and so will our kid’s, so don’t really blame the generation, the way they handle complicated relationships. They watch the society and just emulate them (Freud would have agreed to me, Hail Freud). Take a peep into yourself and clearly know what ‘relationship status’ you are with your heart and mind-is it open or complicated.